| Do you keep trying to get your spouse to go into | | | | spouse? |
| counseling with you? If he or she is not interested, | | | | - Are you taking responsibility for yourself, or are you |
| discover how going into counseling yourself can | | | | abandoning yourself in some way?These are just |
| change your whole relationship. "What should I do if my | | | | some of the questions you might want to explore in |
| spouse won't go to counseling?"I often hear this from | | | | your therapy.One partner making a major change in a |
| my clients. What are they really saying with this | | | | relationship can change the entire relationship. If you |
| question?Generally, they are saying something like: "My | | | | learn to take responsibility for your own feelings and |
| unhappiness is coming from my spouse's behavior," or | | | | needs, and make the changes you need to make |
| "The problems in our marriage are my spouses' fault," | | | | yourself happy, then you will see whether or not you |
| or "My spouse needs to change for me to be | | | | have a viable relationship. You might be surprised to |
| okay." As long as you believe any of these | | | | find that, when you are happy within yourself and no |
| statements, then you will be focused on your spouse's | | | | longer have your eyes on your spouse, he or she also |
| issues rather than on your own issues. In fact, focusing | | | | changes. If, in response to your happiness, your |
| on your spouse's behavior rather than on your own is | | | | spouse gets more angry or distant, you might need to |
| a way of avoiding responsibility for your own feelings | | | | consider that your spouse does not have your highest |
| and needs.So, if you are having marital problems or | | | | good at heart. At this point you would either need to |
| you are feeling unhappy in the marriage and your | | | | accept things as they are, or leave the relationship. |
| spouse won't go to counseling, then you go!In | | | | Relationships are a system, with both partners |
| counseling, you need to focus on your own thoughts | | | | participating in the system. When one partner changes |
| and actions that are causing your unhappy feelings, | | | | the system, the whole system changes. For example, |
| rather on what your spouse is doing. You need to be | | | | if you are a caretaker and your spouse is a taker, and |
| exploring the following questions: | | | | you stop caretaking and start to take loving care of |
| - How are you treating yourself that is causing you to | | | | yourself, one of two things will happen. Either your |
| feel unhappy? | | | | spouse will be impressed with seeing you be happy, |
| - How are you responding to your spouse's behavior | | | | will gain more respect for you and start to take better |
| that is making you unhappy? | | | | care of himself or herself, or he or she will be angry |
| - Are you being reactive to your spouse's unloving | | | | and feel abandoned. Even if your spouse initially gets |
| behavior with your own unloving behavior, and then | | | | angry and feels abandoned, this does not mean that at |
| blaming your spouse for your reactions? | | | | some later time he or she won't shift and become |
| - Do you have expectations of how your spouse | | | | more self-responsible. With the clients that I work with, |
| should be if he or she really loves you, and then you | | | | most of the time when one partner really does take |
| feel disappointed because your expectations are not | | | | full responsibility for himself or herself, the other partner |
| met? Do you need to reevaluate your expectation of | | | | eventually stops being angry and starts to learn to |
| your spouse, which may be unrealistic? | | | | take care of themselves. When each partner in a |
| - Are you being realistic about who your spouse is? | | | | relationship take full responsibility for their own feelings |
| Are you expecting your spouse to be someone he or | | | | and needs, they move beyond neediness and blame, |
| she is not or doesn't want to be? | | | | and are able to share their love with each other. |
| - Are you making your wellbeing dependent upon your | | | | |